Raise Your Social Status with this One, Teeny Thing

paddle ball



     We thought the country was in a higher place, or a state of mourning, or shell-shocked into the land beyond-beyond, far off from a state of silliness.  But no.  Like one of those vintage paddle ball games, we may have been too close to the edge for a while but it turns out our priorities have pop!pop!pop! snapped back to the sweet spot right where we left them.


phone addiction 

And, in addition, while we may have all been distracted for a while, some things did not change.  It appears that the greater U.S. citizenry is still having a symbiotic relationship with their phones and great trouble just saying ‘no’ to taking their micro-computers everywhere they go.

Guaranteed to Help You Unplug and Achieve Higher Social Status


Enter a solution (at least for females).  According to the New York Times: the ‘micro-purse’…a purse too tiny to even come close to having that micro-computer (that does not even fit in your hand well) fit inside the bag. It has been touted as The Solution for helping ladies “unplug” (since apparently, women lack all form of self-control). But wait!  There’s more!  Not only will this puny, pricey pocketbook force you to leave your obsession at home, by doing so, the New York Times claims this very act will actually raise your social status. Bam!


But don’t take my word for it, see it for yourself:



Micro-Purses to Help You Unplug


micro bags

New York Times

Struggling to unplug? There’s an accessory for that. Purses too small to fit a phone are the biggest thing in handbags these days, spotted on the dainty wrists of celebrities and Instagram influencers clogging up the feed. Micro-bags have trended before in fashion, but styles like the Jacquemus Insta-famous Chiquito have taken it to new (tinier) levels. Measuring just 3.1 inches tall, 4.7 inches wide and 2 inches deep, the Chiquito won’t accommodate much more than your lipstick and credit card, to say nothing of your phone. You may be inspired only to move the gadget to a bigger pocket, but in today’s hyper-connected world, looking as if you stepped out without a phone may be the ultimate sign of status.



Now the style editors at the New York Times may know what is needed to boost consumers’ social status, but they sure didn’t do their homework on this one.  Luckily for you, I did.  I surveyed several people in our office building for their “must have” night on the town items and did the math.  Here is what your status-raising micro-bag can handle this weekend:


mace spray


One mini keychain-size Mace spray canister, a driver’s license and a car key (old school only)




anti anxiety meds


-A rubber-banded roll of ten singles to dole out to the homeless you must pass en route from the parking lot to the club, a credit card and a single dose of anti-anxiety meds



-A glucometer, a single dose of diabetes medication, and two business cards



tampons soaked in vodka


-A tampon (sans applicator) pre-soaked in vodka, a lipstick and a photo of your cat


mini camera


-A Mini DV Camera/HD Camcorder Cube with Night Vision, a breath mint and two strawberry-flavored condoms




tiny foods


-A mini vape pen, a Kleenex (folded in fourths) and a single serving of your favorite tiny food, thinly wrapped





-A mini bottle of contact lens solution, a credit card and two antidepressants



doobie tubes


-Two airtight, waterproof, odor-proof Medical Rx Doobie tubes, a mini lighter and a government-issued ID


The ultimate sign of status?  Indeed.  Stay classy, America.


Frank Lipton