A recent warning that an “Upcoming Solar Blast to Knock Internet Offline for 4+ Weeks” has us shouting, “Yee-hah!” –but with the important caveat to “Plan Ahead”, because scientists are warning that the event may last weeks or even months…

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The Apocalypse

“…now scientists are warning that an upcoming solar blast will knock the internet offline for many weeks or months, adding to the problems that a significant space weather event can bring with it. Scientists cannot pinpoint when this will occur, but based on past solar cycles, it’s quite possible such an impact will occur at some point within the next 10 years…

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“While these solar events can help illuminate the sky with stunning aurora, they can also do considerable harm to electronics, electrical grids, and satellite and radio communications…Based on this, power grids, oil and gas pipelines, and networking cables –including those the internet depends on– are the most vulnerable from a strong solar blast. In addition to damaging things on Earth, a strong solar blast could also damage things in space, such as communications satellite. If the blast is strong enough and a geomagnetically induced current is allowed to harm network infrastructure, the internet could be effectively killed until repairs are made. On a global scale, this could take weeks or months; some areas may not ever be able to be restored…

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“A new paper, written by University of California assistant professor Sangeetha Abdu Jyothi, entitled “Solar Superstorms: Planning for an Internet Apocalypse”, describes the threats the sun pose to the global web of computers and the communications between them. “In this paper, we investigate the impact of solar superstorms that can potentially cause large-scale Internet outages covering the entire globe and lasting several months,” the author wrote…

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“Worse, it appears the United States is more vulnerable than other countries around the world. “The U.S. is one of the most vulnerable locations with a high risk of disconnection from Europe during extreme solar events,” the study said.”

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Plan Ahead

The Covid lock-down has prepared many Americans how to go the distance with protracted isolation by stocking up on toilet paper and peroxide and using their stimulus checks to purchase mega-freezers jam-filled with ultra-processed mood-altering crap, but this time there will be an added wrinkle: no internet. To survive the impeding challenges we recommend begin stocking up now on books (gasp! read? no!) and DVDs.  We have a full list of our all-time favorite classic indie books and films which you can get (at no cost) simply by contacting us here.  But for starters here is a now-likely-a-little-too-close-for-comfort-again must-see film for the apocalypse: “99 Homes“… Exploring the lucrative business of the victimization of vulnerable homeowners with financial problems, and directed by Ramin Bahrani/written by Bahrani and Amir Naderi, this fast-paced and painfully realistic tale explores the world of  “Eviction For Profit” based on the tenet that

America doesn’t bail out the losers. America was built by bailing out winners, by rigging a nation of the winners, for the winners, by the winners.”

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And in case the solar blast also knocks out the electrical grid, you can thank Baby Jesus you had the foresight to use part of your stimulus checks on that new top-shelf Peloton exercise bike you have not touched in months so you can use the bicycle to generate your own electricity.

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the editors