the perfect guest

Partner:  So what are you planning to do? Just not go?

Me:  Exactly.  This isn’t the hookah bar.  It’s a dinner party made up of sheltered, white, privileged poster children for the mainstream. I have absolutely nothing in common with these people. There is nothing I can talk to them about because they would not understand what I would have to say.  Besides, if I go, the risk is too high that I would say something that would offend their politically correct sensibilities and that could be bad for your career.

Partner:  <hard sigh> Why can’t you just be Betty Draper?

Me:  Oh, okay.  Which Betty Draper would you like?  The one with the headache who needs to leave early, or the one that shoots ‘I give zero fucks’ looks to the other guests all night?

Partner:  You know what I mean.

Me:  I do… <types in search bar>

Partner:   What are you doing a search for?

Me:  I’m looking up trending topics of the mainstream.  It says that ‘The Biggest Loser’ Diet, the ‘Fort Worth Dog Train’ video, pizza, the ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ TV show, social media, and giant pandas’ are their favorite things.  Betty will be slugging wine all night.


Source: ShamWow